Why I Was MIA, and 30 Days of Lists, List #1

March 2, 2014 by Satina - The Aquarian Avatar 4 Comments

So yeah, about that whole 29 Faces thing.  I didn’t finish it.  Why?  Well, I got pulled completely offline in every way by Spirit from Feb. 21  – Feb 28, and that included my Internet for a few days.  This was big.  And now that I’ve been put back online, I’m a different person.  That’s the gist of it.

And I’m starting a new daily challenge for this month, as I mentioned before.  I’m doing the 30 Days of Lists, and List 1 came out yesterday.  I have never done this before, and my plan was to do an art journal page each day using the list.  But when the day came, I had SO much resistance to doing an art journal page.  And I realized, I was setting myself to overcome two different obstacles in this challenge, rather than one.  The first challenge, the list, is enough.  I don’t need the second challenge of doing daily art on top of that.

So then I couldn’t decide how to list, and I struggled for a couple of hours, changing my mind over and over and even having a slight panic attack.  It was ridiculous, or it seemed so, but I knew something BIG was trying to come through for me.  And it was Shan, my partner, who suggested I do my list different each day, and just follow my whims, letting my brain churn up idea after idea without it being because the first one wasn’t good enough.

This was huge for me.

I realized I would NEVER have allowed myself to do that without outside validation.  That I had a HARSH, even rather insane critic inside that wants things done A CERTAIN WAY, and that nothing I ever do is good enough for him.  Yes, it’s a he.  And my brain is extremely prolific when it comes to ideas.  And the way my critic uses that is to give them to me just when I’ve started something, because no, this idea would be even better…but then wait, if you did this too…oh and you should have done that instead because it would be so cool…oh wow what if we did that, too and this instead and…

And I become paralyzed, unable to just move forward with one idea, and it pisses me off and makes me dread doing creative work.  It’s creative death.

Yes, that is my crazy.  And it’s not just in art, but the way it shows up is mirrored exactly, and I KNOW that this work I’m doing with art is HUGE work that is healing this very detrimental issue so that maybe I can finally be happy.

With that in mind, I decided to use the original list I scribbled into a notebook, taking as much pressure off this issue as humanly possible.  So here it is, with the final item added before posting, thanks to Shan.

The little arrow is thanks to her, too, another sticker from another package of poop bags.  She brought it to me before she took Bruce for his morning walk.  🙂